my Thoughts | entry 3

I'm sitting in Montgomery Lee Fine Art in Park City. Outside a woman with a voice of soul sings with a live band on the patio of some bar. A sax echos her cries and stirs an emotion in me that I cannot ignore... it says this is life; a mix of pain and desire, breath and blood. So, I write it down so that I don't forget (as if one could).

I've enjoyed covering the shifts at this gallery. My life is drawn back to the world of art and I hope that it finds a place in it soon. I've ended my time at Halus. Freedom is finally entering the life of the owners (though it may not be visible to them) as they've found someone to lease the space that Halus occupies.

And so another chapter of my life ends and I'm feeling much like the lone traveler in Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". Only in my state there are several roads in front of me and I have to pause to consider them all. None of which include partnership or love... I suppose that road will come later. No, it seems I'm at a point of setting a clear path for my career. My hope is to pursue one while allowing room for the others to grow. I have applied at several galleries (including the one I currently sit in) and at the UMFA. I feel drawn to at least find a job that will boost my resume and allow me to rid myself of debt and dependancy. That leaves me wondering if I'd be giving up my passion and visions. It will be a delicate balance of my time to ensure that I don't neglect my creativity and pursuit of full independence.

Where does one go from here? Will the opportunity and path I seek open up to me or will I be left in a worse state than I am now? That's my fear. That's always been my fear. But, I don't let it rule me and I continue to pursue what I like in my many selected ways.

-S

my Thoughts | entry 2

Waking up this morning. It seems things are just as foggy as before.  My life is in a type of web that i try to untangle and seperate but keeps sticking together. A bit frustrating.

Desire, love, friendship, work, money, creation...  What am i creating?  Or perhaps the better question is, what can i not create? What are my decisions going to be as time progresses towards more seperations, unions, reunions, failures, and successes?

i fear my present more than my past or future.  i look ahead with a security of mind that everything goes it's course and that the story will always be looked upon with fondness by me as i do so now looking at the past.  However, in the present i experience so many desires and oportunities that i fear i'm loosing what i try to gain... i don't want to loose.  i don't want to posess either. So, how do i seize these things which ellude me?

my Poems | entry 5

What moves a cloud?

What causes it to rain?

To wet the earth with her tears... nourishing all below?

She arouses their potential... causing them to grow.

As if weeping awakens the slumbering life...

ethereal Experiences | entry 001

Throughout life, mine and I imagine most of our lives, there occur strange experiences during the night. By strange I mean that which seems to us real however, turns out to be less tangible... ethereal. The most intriguing of which is the vision or sense of another person in the room with you. Though I won't limit my dialogue to that which happens during the night, I will begin with one such experience.

Last night I had my sleep interrupted by the presence of a woman. Lacking any physical presence she made it impossible to escape. I can't say for certain who she was but her energy was strong and tangible. Oddly enough, I remember vividly that I could smell flowers... can't place the scent.  Perhaps a perfume of some kind? Also, she was young...  twenties or thirties. A sense of familiarity yet, she remained out of reach. Hidden, like a dream when waking... you try to grasp it and it slips away further and further. 

She was connecting to me (or was it I to her?) on a metaphysical level. That is to say I could feel her throughout my body. In my chest, through my back, in my hands... in my lungs... my breath. Haunting me, she kept me awake and there was really nothing that I could do lying there. 

So, I got up and went into the kitchen. The clock on the stove read 3:33 am. A sign? Perhaps this was not an illusion but, rather something real.  I opened the refrigerator and had some grapefruit juice.  Shock my system a bit... yes, perhaps that would help? Putting the juice away I turned out the kitchen light and went back to my bed. She was there... waiting. So, resigning myself I laid down, I closed my eyes and let her stay. Eventually slipping away into sleep and waking up for work the next day.

Connections...  they are an interesting thing, no?

my Poems | entry 4

like Adam

the dawning of her breath

upon the chambers of the heart

invoked life

to that which had fallen silent

so, lowering my head before her

i let life flow through these halls

and held out a hand

that echoed Eve's desire

responses monitored

transfered in charts

to the pharmacist

who provides the prescriptions

that allow sanity of mind

in the asylum of emotion

as though a body lies

in some sterile corridor

in some lysol laced room

comatose...

a machine beeps

closely monitoring the condition...

a machine pumps

breathing for lungs unmoved...

the lifeless lying body

______________________

As you might have guessed, this poem was written based off of two ideas that seem to be very different and create a sudden chop after the second stanza. However, the ideas are related and the sudden shift provides a clear process of emotion to thought to emotion and so on. The first is directly related to the emotions experienced by new love(?) or at least the connection felt between two people. The second part is about the value of living. I'll leave the poem to explain the rest.

S